How Wives Can Show RESPECT To Their Husbands

Yesterday I shared how husbands can show love to their wives. Today is the second part from the book Love and Respect, on how wives can show respect to their husbands.

love and respect

Conquest – Appreciate his desire to work and achieve. Your husband will feel you appreciate his desire to work and achieve when . . .

  • You tell him verbally or in writing that you value his work efforts.
  • You express your faith in him related to his chosen field.
  • You listen to his work stories as closely as you expect him to listen to your accounts of what happens in the family.
  • You see yourself as his helpmate and counterpart and talk with him about this whenever possible.
  • You allow him to dream as you did when you were courting.
  • You don’t dishonor or subtly criticize his work “in the field” to get him to show more love “in the family.”

 

Hierarchy – Appreciate his desire to protect and provide. Your husband will feel you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when . . .

  • You verbalize your admiration of him for protecting you and being willing to die for you.
  • You praise his commitment to provide for and protect you and the family (he needs to know you don’t take this for granted).
  • You empathize when he reveals his male mind-set about position, status, rank, or being one-up or one-down, particularly at work.
  • You never mock the idea of “looking up to him” as your protector to prevent him from “looking down on you.”
  • You never, in word or body language, put down his job or how much he makes.
  • You are always ready to figuratively “light the candles,” as E.V. Hill’s wife did when they couldn’t afford to pay the light bill.
  • You quietly and respectfully voice concerns about finances and try to offer solutions on where you might be able to cut spending.

 

Authority – Appreciate his desire to serve and to lead. He will feel you appreciate his authority and leadership when . . .

  • You tell him you are thankful for his strength and enjoy being able to lean on him at times.
  • You support his self-image as a leader.
  • You never say, “You’re responsible but we’re still equal, so don’t make a decision I don’t agree with.”
  • You praise his good decisions.
  • You are gracious if he makes a bad decision.
  • You disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.
  • You give your reasons for disagreeing quietly and reasonably, but you never attack his right to lead.
  • You do not play “head games” with him to make him back down and be a “loving peacemaker.”

 

Insight – Appreciate his desire to analyze and counsel. Your husband will feel you appreciate his insight and counsel when . . .

  • You tell him upfront you just need his ear; don’t complain to him later that he always tries to “fix” you.
  • You thank him for his advice without acting insulted or like he doesn’t care about your feelings.
  • You recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.
  • You realize your vulnerabilities, especially among males, and value his protection.
  • You counsel him respectfully when you differ with his idea (you can be right but present your views in a wrong way).
  • You sometimes let him “fix things” and applaud his solutions.
  • You let him know that you believe God has made us male and female for a purpose and that we need each other.
  • You admit that you make mistakes and thank him for his perception and godly counsel.

 

Relationship – Appreciate his desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship. Your husband will feel you value his shoulder-to-shoulder friendship when . . .

  • You tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).
  • You respond to his invitation to engage in recreational activities together or you come along to watch him (you don’t have to go every time, but just now and then will energize him more than you realize).
  • You enable him to open up and talk to you as you do things shoulder to shoulder.
  • You encourage him to spend time alone, which energizes him to reconnect with you later.
  • You don’t denounce his shoulder-to-shoulder activities with his male friends to get him to spend face-to-face time with you. Respect his friendships, and he will be more likely to want you to join him shoulder to shoulder at other times.

 

Sexuality – Appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy. He will feel you appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy when . . .

  • You respond to him sexually more often and initiate sex periodically.
  • You understand he needs sexual release just as you need emotional release.
  • You let him acknowledge his sexual temptations without fearing he’ll be unfaithful and without shaming him.
  • You don’t try and make him open up to you verbally by depriving him of sex.

How Husbands Can Show LOVE To Their Wives

Ephesians 5:33 says, “However, each one of you [husband] also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

love and respect

In his book Love and Respect, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs shares practical ways that husbands can show love to their wives. Buy his book for more ideas, but here are the highlights:

Closeness. She wants you to be close. Your wife feels close to you when . . .

  • You hold her hand.
  • You hug her.
  • You are affectionate without sexual intentions.
  • You are with her alone so you can focus on each other and laugh together.
  • You go for a walk or jog . . . or anything that results in togetherness.
  • You seek her out . . . set up a date night . . . eat by candlelight.
  • You go out of your way to do something for her, like run an errand.
  • You make it a priority to spend time with her.
  • You are aware of her as a person with a mind and opinions . . . let her know you enjoy discussing things with her and getting her insights.
  • You suggest the unexpected . . . get takeout and each on the beach . . . take a walk to see the full moon . . . park on the bluff and watch the sunset.
  • You pillow talk after making love . . . lie close with your arm around her and share feelings and intimate ideas . . . and never turn on SportsCenter or Nightline.

 

Openness – She wants you to open up to her. Your wife feels you are open to her when . . .

  • You share your feelings, telling about your day and difficulties.
  • You say, “Let’s talk,” ask her what she’s feeling, and ask for her opinions.
  • Your face shows you want to talk – relaxed body language, good eye contact.
  • You take her for a walk to talk and reminisce about how you met or perhaps you talk about the kids and problems she may be having with them.
  • You pray with her.
  • You give her your full attention . . . no grunting responses while trying to watch tv, read the newspaper, or write e-mails.
  • You discuss financial concerns, possible job changes, or ideas for your future.

 

Understanding – Don’t try to “fix” her; just listen. She’ll feel you’re trying to understand her when . . .

  • You listen and can repeat back what she said.
  • You don’t try to “fix her problems” unless she specifically asks for a solution.
  • You try to identify her feelings.
  • You never dismiss her feelings, no matter how illogical they may seem to you.
  • You say, “I appreciate you sharing that with me.”
  • You don’t interrupt her when she’s trying to tell you how she feels.
  • You apologize and admit when you were wrong.
  • You cut her some slack during her monthly cycle.
  • You see something that needs to be done and you do it without a lot of hassle.
  • You express appreciation for all she does: “Honey, I could never do your job.”
  • You pray with her and for her.

 

Peacemaking – She wants you to say, “I’m sorry.” She’ll feel at peace with you when . . .

  • You let her vent her frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.
  • You admit you are wrong and apologize by saying, “I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?”
  • You understand her natural desires to negotiate, compromise, and defer, and you meet her halfway.
  • You try to keep your relationship “up-to-date,” resolving the unresolved and never saying, “Forget it.”
  • You forgive her for any wrongs she confesses.
  • You never nurse bitterness and always reassure her of your love.
  • You pray with her after a hurtful time.

 

Loyalty – She needs to know you’re committed. She is assured of your loyalty when . . .

  • You speak highly of her in front of others.
  • You are involved in things important to her.
  • You help her make decisions, such as ones regarding the children.
  • You don’t correct her in front of the children.
  • You don’t look lustfully at other women.
  • You make her and your marriage a priority.
  • You are never critical of her or your children in front of others.
  • You include her in social gatherings when others may leave their spouses home.
  • You tell the kids, “Don’t speak to your mother that way!”
  • You call and let her know your plans.
  • You keep commitments.
  • You speak positively of her and the children at all times.

 

Esteem – She wants you to honor and cherish her. Your wife will feel esteemed when . . .

  • You say, “I’m so proud the way you handled that.”
  • You speak highly of her in front of others.
  • You open the door for her.
  • You try something new with her.
  • You give her encouragement or praise with kindness and enthusiasm.
  • You notice something different about her hair or clothes.
  • You are physically affectionate with her in public.
  • You teach the children to show her and others respect.
  • You value her opinion in the gray areas as not wrong but just different – and valid.
  • You choose family outings over “guy things.”
  • You make her feel first in importance.
  • You are proud of her and all she does.

 

Tomorrow I’ll share practical ways that wives can show respect to their husbands.

Five for Friday (6.20.14)

five red buttonRick Reilly Last Column – The famed sportswriter is hanging up his hat. His last column provides some powerful perspective about the importance of family and sports (in that order)

The Symphony That Saved a City – An amazing historical story about the power of the arts in the human experience.

Christian Comparison Isn’t Pretty – Refreshing honesty for everyone who struggles with the temptation of comparison.

My Husband Doesn’t Need to See Your Boobs – Great reminder from a wife for all the ladies out there.

Hobby Lobby aims for Obamacare win, Christian nation – Interesting to see how a mainstream organization reports on this Supreme Court case. Read the comments at your own peril!

 

11 Reasons Why Marriages Fail

6.3.13It’s marriage week here at MTVPastor. A few days ago my gorgeous wife Robin and I celebrated our 11 year anniversary. In honor of that, I’ll be sharing my thoughts on marriage in three different posts. Today I’ll share 11 reasons why marriages fail. Wednesday I’ll write on 11 ways to strengthen your marriage. Friday I’ll finish up with 11 reasons why marriage is worth it.

We see marriages around us fail for a multitude of reasons. Underlying the causes of divorce are some common themes. Here are eleven of them:

1. Lack of communication. Constant and meaningful conversation is the lifeblood of a marriage. You would think that all marriages have meaningful conversation, but they don’t. Couples don’t carve out time. They’re too tired. The husbands don’t want to talk. Television replaces conversation, and separation begins.

2. Busyness. We can be too busy for our own good. A career is good, but not if it comes at the expense of your marriage. Hobbies are good, but not if it comes at the expense of your marriage. Friends are good, but not if they come at the expense of your marriage. Even kids can drain away precious energy from your marriage. The couples that can’t cut back see their marriages float away in a sea of busyness.

3. Selfishness. At the core, marriage is about serving your spouse, about submitting yourself and your needs to the needs of your spouse. If the couples can’t grasp this, submit their ego and embrace the concept of mutual submission, then fault line cracks will appear at the base of your marriage.

4. Can’t overcome your family of origin. Many spouses were raised in broken, abusive, or dysfunctional homes. They walk into marriage knowing only destructive marriage habits from the example of their parents. If they can’t overcome and move past their family of origin, their parents’ destructive marriage will become their own destructive marriage.

5. Unwilling to grow in your marriage. Marriage is all about change. You change. Your spouse changes. If you’re unwilling to grow and change with your spouse, you don’t have much of a shot. The trick of marriage isn’t finding a perfect spouse who will never change, but to find a way to continuously fall in love with your ever-changing spouse.

6. Lack of investment in your marriage. Husbands, your marriage isn’t complete when you say “I do.” Without constant and intentional investment, your marriage will struggle. Just like a farmer’s work isn’t done when he plants the seed, neither is your work done when you walk the aisle. Marriage takes hard work, lots of it.

7. Addictions overwhelm a spouse. Sometimes a latent addiction can rear up and consume a spouse. An eating disorder, a pornography addiction, alcoholism, if left unchecked, will wreck a marriage. It takes two people to make a marriage work, but only one person to wreck it.

8. Bitterness and unforgiveness overwhelm you. Your spouse will hurt you more than any other person on the planet. They will continually remind you that they are a sinner in need of God’s forgiveness. Because you’re the person closest to them, you will deal with the brunt of their imperfections. If you choose to hold on to past hurts and slights, bitterness will poison your soul and consume you.

9. You give up too easily. Make no illusions: marriage is tough. It’s not for the faint of heart. Every couple will come to points where divorce seems like the easy option. The marriage that works is the marriage that chooses to fight when things get tough, not quit.

10. Sin entices and destroys the marriage. Sin is always looking for a way to destroy the beauty of your marriage. It may use the approach of greed, selfishness, an affair, or any other number of enticements. If you’re not constantly on your guard, sin will destroy your marriage.

11. The love grows cold. Love is like a campfire that must be constantly tended to and stoked. If left alone, the fire will eventually burn itself out and grow cold. When the love grows cold, there doesn’t seem to be much left to save. Don’t let your fire grow cold.

QUESTION: What other reasons cause marriage to fail?

image courtesy of www.freedigitalphotos.net

To All the Single Ladies Out There

12.10.12Being a youth pastor for ten years, I’ve got a lot of “daughters” that I view as practically my own. Some are married but many are still single. As a protective dad, here are seven things I wish I could say to all of them (inspired by Perry Noble and his blogs on the same subject):

1. You’re a princess. I don’t mean this in the spoiled-rotten, get-whatever-I-want sense, but in the sense that God sent Jesus to die for you. As a follower of Christ, you’re now a daughter of the King. You’re a princess. If you ever doubt you’re self-worth, remember that the King of Kings died for you. That makes you awesome.

2. Since you’re a princess, wait for a prince. Set your standards high ladies. If almost anyone meets your requirements for a boyfriend, then your standards are too low. Remember, you’re worth the wait. Don’t give yourself away until your prince comes.

3. If a guy asks you to compromise your purity, he’s not a prince. He’s a pig. Your prince will honor you and respect you as a daughter of the King. If anyone ever pressures you to give up your purity for a relationship, then he doesn’t respect you. He just wants your body. He’ll use you and discard you. Don’t be fooled!

4. Just because you screwed up doesn’t make you a screw up. Some of you are reading this and you’ve already messed up sexually. That doesn’t mean that you’re unworthy or no longer valuable. It just means you made a mistake. God still loves you and is pursuing you with a relentless love and overwhelming grace.

5. “I’m lonely” or “I’m getting older” are never good excuses to settle for the next guy that comes along. Wait for God’s timing. It will always be longer than you want, but it will always be worth it. Trust me.

6. If you’re not happy single, you’ll never be happy married. Find your contentment in Christ. As awesome as your husband will one day be, he’ll never satisfy you as Christ will. If you find your contentment in Christ now, then you’ll be content in your marriage. But if you look for your husband to provide the happiness that only Christ can provide, then you’ll be sorely disappointed.

7. Purity starts now. Wherever you are in your purity journey, make this the day that you renew your purity to God. If you’re in a sexual relationship, get out of it. It’s not God’s best for you. Renew your purity to God and watch Him do amazing things in you.

Praying for all of you!

image courtesy of www.freedigitalphotos.net